How to Rebuild your Identity and Confidence to Perform at Your Highest Potential Again After a Toxic Relationship or Relationship Breakup


Welcome welcome welcome! 

Welcome to this exclusive article on “How to Rebuild your Identity and Confidence to Perform at Your Highest Potential Again After a Toxic Relationship or Relationship Breakup.” I am excited that you are here, and can tell you that this is truly going to be transformational read.

In this article I will teach you what you need to do to rebuild your Identity and Confidence and get back on your feet and on your goals after a toxic relationship or relationship breakup. By the time you are through reading, you will know exactly what you need to do to (i) take back control of your life (ii) overcome those self doubting thoughts and emotions you’ve been feeling that have been holding you back, (iii) unlock your highest potential and (iv) see yourself start performing at the top of your game again, making tangible progress on the goals you want.

I want you to get a pen and paper so you take notes. Note taking is one of the best ways to retain information longer. Just to add as well that you want to be in a quiet place and read this article right to the very end, giving it your undivided attention. So get away from anything that will distract you.


What You Want

Any ambitious professional / entrepreneur who has had to deal with some form of setback like a toxic relationship, a failed marriage, work-related trauma or relationship-related trauma ideally doesn’t want to give up on their dreams or give into their pains. They rather want to redefine, reinvent themselves and answer back to their pains quickly. 

When you’ve been through a toxic relationship or painful relationship breakup, what you want is:

  • To get back on your feet and be able to come out of the imposter syndrome making you feel inferior to yourself. You want to believe you are good enough; want to believe in your abilities; and want to feel 100% worthy & deserving of the things you want
  • A healthy way to face your fears and failures so you stop judging yourself
  • To be able to show up as the person/leader you were meant to be, and be satisfied that you are performing at your fullest potential
  • To feel in better control of your state of mind and emotions, and be able to fight back the negative thoughts in your head more resiliently
  • To get back on your goals with focus and consistency, and see traction in your life – whether it’s going up the career ladder, creating a profitable business, building a better relationship or just putting steps in place to be a better person.


Where You Are Right Now

But when setbacks like what you’ve been through happen,…

The trauma and pain have a way of tugging away at your identity, …and we sadly often tie our performance to our identity. 

So right now you are like a wounded player on a football field who has the potential to be a top player but who can’t right now because you are injured.

  • You are hurting…and badly
  • You feel a lot of negative energy and crave some sort of control and stability in your life
  • You question yourself a lot & get lost in your head and in the anxiety, not knowing what you should do to be productive, OR if you can trust your own instincts and abilities
  • You feel a sense of failure that batters your self esteem and so find yourself underperforming below the level you’ve identified yourself as – Not because you are a low performer but because your confidence is low.

…and all you really want right now is to get back into what makes you YOU; what makes you satisfied; What makes you tick; What makes you happy.


My Promise to You

My promise to you is that over the next few minutes of this article, I will show you exactly how to move past these challenges, reclaim control of your life, overcome those self judging thoughts holding you back, rebuild your sense of identity & confidence, and get back to on your feet performing at the peak of your potential again.


But First – A Bit About Me

My name is Dr Vivian O. Ikem (Dr Viv for short),  and I am a Life Reset & Self Reinvention strategist, trauma & depression survivor, speaker, teacher and certified coach with a passion for helping high achieving professionals/Entrepreneurs overcome self judgement, get rid of negative emotions, and rebuild confidence to make tangible progress on their goals, especially after a major setback.

I am also a Chemical Engineer by background (with a PhD), ex-management consultant with a top UK based Consulting firm, author of  Shadows in the Mirror – The Many Faces of Depression  and contributing Author in Unzenable – A Guide to Stress Less and be More.

A couple of years ago I suffered major relationship-related trauma and depression, which sent me spiralling down a dark hole I had not known before. I still remember it like yesterday. I felt helpless, hated myself, hated my life, and felt ugly. My needing to take significant time out of work recuperating at the time also made me frustrated that I was losing time. I felt cheated by life, lost all my confidence and sense of self, and had little will to do anything or pursue any goals.

For a high achiever like myself, that low place & trauma was overwhelming. I felt like I had failed in life and was beginning to believe all the negativity said to me. The experience was difficult to accept and I wasn’t sure how to bounce back from it. It also meant that returning to work after extended sick leave was tough and rough at the time. As my confidence was totally gone, I doubted myself & my abilities, was afraid to speak or be seen in public, struggled to fit in,… and struggled with knowing what goals to pursue or how to be focused on it. 

I soon realised that my desire to get back on my goals performing at my abilities and building my career was not going to happen if I didn’t do something to help myself. So I had to go through the process of rebuilding myself, rebuilding my confidence and putting myself in uncomfortable positions to grow, so that I could get myself back…. And it was a JOURNEY! … …of therapy, frantically finding help sometimes in the wrong places or from the wrong people, working with coaches and joining personal developments programs and the likes. In the end, I went from being depressed, scared to speak in front of people and low in self esteem to speaking at events, giving a live training to 2500 people, getting promoted at work, finding my voice, loving myself more, and even being told I’m “too” confident. It was a HUGE turnaround.

My journey back to self and potential was rough. I realised that some of the coaches who worked with me at the time were not empathetic and did not have an understanding of the necessary journey I had to take, or where I was in my process of recovery. It made me understand that not every coach out there was the RIGHT coach. I knew from conversations with people that many others needed similar help, and that I did not want anyone else to to go through what I did the way I did. I knew that I could, and should help others struggling with similar, make their journeys back to self smoother… and so I took action to become the RIGHT COACH for you, with plenty of space for you.

My Mission Now

I am now on a mission, and over the next 2 years am really committed to helping 500 Professional / Entrepreneurial women who are trying to navigate their journeys back to self & potential, take back control of their life and goals, move from a place of self judgement, feeling “I am not good enough” and underperforming, to a place of feeling in control again, confidently showing up as the person/leader they want to be, and making tangible progress on their goals so that they can be happy, stable and have the purposeful life they desire.

You are the reason I am doing this, and my joy comes from seeing the difference this has already made in the lives of some of the people I have been privileged to work with such as the person who was dealing with a lot of negative emotions due to past trauma and negative words said to her,…. or the person suffering from major imposter syndrome and a lot of self doubt that threatened her potential for promotion at work due to past toxicity and time away from work. It fuels my desire to help, and is the reason why I wrote this exclusive article for you.

Now Let’s get into what you may have been trying that isn’t working.


Approaches You’ve Been Trying That’s Not Working

Let me discuss some of them and why these approaches haven’t worked so well for you.

Approach 1 You attend therapy with a view to get your life together and get back on your goals: You do this cause you want to heal and get over what you have been through. Fact is therapy is a powerful medically prescribed treatment for dealing with negative emotions, traumas, and the likes of anxiety and depression. But while therapy is key to dealing with past traumas & depression and is powerful for dealing with the PAST and overcoming mental health challenges, it is not designed for the purpose of inspiring, supporting and helping you be accountable to be your best self or meet your future goals. This next step of being empowered to get unstuck, get back on your goals and close the gap between your potential and how things are currently, with support and accountability is what coaching is for. That is why therapy is not ideal for this aspect.

Approach 2 – You practice affirmations and listen to motivational podcasts: You do this cause affirmations are easy to do, and podcasts are inspiring. They boost your positivity and help you with giving yourself the ‘pep talk’. But while positivity is good, it should not be confused with solving the problem. ‘Pep talk’ only goes so far. It is like telling an ant to push against an elephant; if the issue is that big, all the motivation and psyching yourself up is not going to help but rather hurt and limit. After all the motivation and euphoria, you will still need the clarity, tools, support and accountability to navigate your thoughts and feelings, rebuild your sense of identity, and build back your confidence to take actionable steps forward.

Approach 3 – You act in denial and carry on like nothing has happened: This is the default approach for many ambitious leaders, professionals and entrepreneurs. They carry on like all is okay, stay busy, put on a brave face & do other things to give them reassurance that there is nothing wrong, which hopefully gives some comfort. You do this cause it can appear easier than facing the failure, loss or disappointment already making you question your character, goals and sanity. But here is the thing – You can distract yourself for so long. The issue will still be there. Denying and glossing over unresolved emotions without pausing to reflect, restrategise and recaliberate can actually lead to self sabotage, depression and mental health issues. 

There is a better strategy that will get you better results and healing, and I am going to share it.


The Solution You Really Need

To overcome the negative thoughts and emotions you are going through right now, rebuild your sense of identity and build back your confidence to go after the goals you want – whether that be going up the career ladder, starting a new loving relationship, building a business or other, you will need a BOUNCE BACK SYSTEM.

I am going to teach you my unique 7-step Reset to Thrive framework,…. and I am REALLY GOING TO BREAK IT DOWN for you to make it clear for you.

STEP 1 – Understand your WHY & Rebuild your Vision : This is the first and most critical step in the process that sets the pace for your recovery. You have to create a clear mental picture of the person you are capable of becoming, and clearly articulate WHY your personal vision is important to you. What you’ve been through has likely thrown you off course and made you lose sight of who you are, your life vision and purpose. Creating a new vision for yourself will help you picture and bring your amazingness to life, while your WHY will motivate you and be the driving force to stop you from giving up. 

STEP 2 – Embrace your Journey & Story: It is important that you explore your pain, capture the lessons and reframe your story, though this can seem daunting to do at first. You see when things go wrong, it is very easy to get lost in your head and in what has happened to you. Feelings of inadequacy and self judgement often come from our sense of discomfort with our stories, our perception of failure, and our inability to accept them. When you embrace your journey & story and overcome the negative emotions associated with them, it helps release you from the pains and influences of your past experiences, and puts you in a good place to move forward more easily with focus, and without the negative emotions attached to the pain or failure.

STEP 3 – Reclaim your Identity & Sense of Worth: This is about you reconnecting with who you are, rebuilding the perception you have of yourself, and taking back your sense of worth. How you perceive yourself is more important than what other people think about you and is fundamental for your wellbeing, confidence and ability to thrive. When you recover your identity and rebuild your self image, your feelings of inadequacy disappear, you have a clear mental picture of how amazing you are, and your self esteem will be boosted, which collectively help you stay mentally and emotionally healthy.

STEP 4 – Rebuild your Confidence to Perform: Confidence is everything. Without it, you will struggle to show up and perform as the person/ leader you know you are deep down inside you, even when you have the ability to get a job done. You have to rebuild your self belief system which involves being vulnerable and owning your personal power.  When you rebuild your confidence, you build back your capacity to perform at the top of your game such that you don’t question yourself all the time, feel like a fraud at work or feel inadequate because of people’s opinions of you. 

STEP 5 – Manage your Energy & Be Highly Productive: What you’ve been through makes you feel you feel stuck, overwhelmed,and low on energy and motivation. It comes with the territory. So this step is about helping you manage your energy and productivity so you know the habits that help you perform at your highest potential. Your self awareness of how you work best, and application of your productivity habits will help ensure that you don’t run low on energy and motivation but rather increase your ability to stay highly productive and moving forward. It will even more help you get yourself unstuck when you are feeling mentally affected or exhausted.

STEP 6 – Celebrate Yourself: You’ve come a long way on this journey. You’ve made huge progress, grown and rediscovered yourself. In the past you’ve been used to achieving goals and swiftly moving onto the next without pausing to recognise your wins. This phase is about recognising your progress, showing yourself appreciation and affirming your worth and awesomeness. When you celebrate yourself, you teach yourself to be kind to yourself and to show yourself love. When you love yourself, you will teach others how to love and treat you.

STEP 7 – Apply your growth & Scale your success: Now you’ve rediscovered yourself, it’s time to apply your renewed self belief system to build momentum and rebuild your life with focus, consistency and support. So let’s get you into the consistent habit of taking action and winning. The more you win, the more you win. The more you apply yourself and your belief system and see results, the more consistent and motivated you will be to keep showing up and performing as the person/leader you truly are.

These are the 7 steps of my Reset to Thrive framework

How my Client Benefitted From the Reset to Thrive Methodology

Let me share a bit with you about one of my clients, Angela.

To protect her identity, I am not going to tell you her real name but will just call her Angela.

Angela is a high achieving professional woman with an amazing degree from a highly reputable university & many years of work experience with top international firms. When I met Angela, she was returning to work after extended time out for personal reasons, which totally knocked back her confidence and made her feel inadequate, … she had also had to deal with a lot of toxicity in her past that impacted her self esteem & was putting her career at risk.

Before she got in touch with me, Angela was really struggling. She was suffering from major imposter syndrome & really worried about speaking in front of her colleagues at work, which was impacting badly on her performance,… & her bosses were noticing. The side comments from her colleagues also made her realise she had to take action fast.

Angela reached out to me after seeing one of my social media posts. When we first connected, She was not happy with her state. She was filled with so much self doubt & struggling to contribute in meetings. She believed she was not good enough and was actually considering settling for lower roles with less money.

But when we had a conversation and I really asked her a few questions to get to the bottom of what was really happening, we realised that she had a lot of fears and beliefs holding her back, ….and that I could help her. 

In the beginning we first set out to rebuild her vision for herself and understand WHY working on herself was important for her, so she was clear on her motivation. 

Once we did this, we moved on to help her embrace her story, working through the fears, pains and beliefs that were holding her back, as well as helping her change her perceived view of failure so she could free herself up from the negative emotions attached to them. We then equipped her with tools & techniques she could apply in her daily life to manage her expectations and deal with failures that come up from time to time. 

We then worked on helping her redefine her identity & rebuild her self esteem & confidence, so she felt comfortable showing up the way she wanted to at work. We then discussed how she worked best, and the habits that she could apply to help her move from underperforming to being seen as performing at her highest potential. Once that was done, we helped her get clear on what her next step was and what she was going to be focused on, which for her was her career. Teaching her to stop and acknowledge her achievements was something new to her but something she found invaluable, as she realised she had been overlooking her accomplishments and undermining her abilities for far too long.

Angela was really happy she put in the work to transform herself and take back control of her life. Today I look at Angela and I compare it with that person who was filled with so much self doubt, feelings of inadequacy and low self esteem,… and her transformation gives me joy.

Her learning to overcome her self judgement, rebuild her identity & confidence & start seeing herself perform at the peak of her potential paid off.

  • within 4 weeks, she was feeling more confident at work & her colleagues started seeing changes in her…
  • Within 4 weeks she got awarded for best presentation during a conference organised by her firm…
  • and by week 10 she had been further recommended for a promotion at work.

You see, the truth is yes I do this as a business, but stories like Angela’s, as well as my personal self recovery journey is the reason I do what I do. Seeing people like you who have experienced  life’s setbacks and are in that low place of self loss, emotional stress and feeling inadequate, RESET, bounceback and move to that place of resilient self belief, emotional strength and fearless confidence, gives me joy and fulfillment.


Wondering if This is Really For You?

Now let me ask you this :

  • Have some of your important questions about rebuilding your sense of Identity and Confidence after a toxic relationship or relationship Breakdown been answered?
  • Can you now see yourself taking back control, overcoming your self judgement and rebuilding your confidence so you show up & perform as the amazing person/leader that you are? 

I want you to Ponder on these questions for a second.


Here is the thing – I am on a mission. Over the next 24 months I want to help 500 high achieving professional / entrepreneurial women overcome their self judgement, reclaim their sense of identity, and rebuild their confidence to see themselves consistently performing at their highest potential again, being top of their game after a personal/professional setback. Will you be one of them?

  • This is you if You want to take back control from your past and see yourself fearlessly showing up and performing at your best personally and professionally, without any feelings of inadequacy
  • This is you if you want to use the Reset to Thrive framework to heal, overcome your self judgement and build yourself back up resiliently
  • You are someone who has a lot of drive, but whose experience going through a toxic relationship or relationship breakdown has impacted on your ability to carry on with your life and goals
  • You are in a place right now where you are feeling inadequate and kind of don’t have the zest or energy or passion to keep going cause everything seems to be falling apart
  • What is interesting is people see you as having it all together & being the strong one. So you do your best to keep up. But deep down inside of you, you know there’s a lot more to you than where you are right now & you are really keen and ready to be helped
  • You are committed to putting in whatever it takes, be it time, effort or money, to overcome the negative emotions you feel, rebuild your identity and self belief system, and get back on your feet… to the point where you are consistently showing up and performing at your highest potential again, making tangible progress on your goals

What you Need to do Next

If this is you, I want you to click the button below and book a free 1-2-1 consultation with me. Note that these sessions are limited in number so you will want to act fast if you want one.

During the 1-2-1 consultation session, we are going to look at where you are right now & explore your current struggles, understand what level you feel you should be at/ what you think you should be doing, & Identify things getting in your way so you can remove them, and be free to perform as your best self again.

By the time we are through, you will no longer feel frustrated & helpless, or feel you have to put up with those unpleasant thoughts and feelings of inadequacy you’ve been experiencing, that tell you you are not good enough, not worthy enough, or deserving of the good things of life that you desire, because of what you’ve been through. 

Rather you will have a clear understanding of what you need to do to get yourself back, get back on your feet and start fearlessly showing up as the person/leader you want to be,  personally and professionally.

So click the button below and book your FREE 1-2-1 30 minutes consultation with me. I look forward to being a part of your success story.

Thank You

I hope you found this helpful? Let me at this point say thank you for reading this article. Huge congratulations to you if you’ve gone ahead to book an appointment with me. I look forward to helping you get back on your feet as you rebuild yourself and become the amazing person/leader that you are, performing at the top of your game again.

Once again thank you and goodbye.